i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
