Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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