i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
