How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
