who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize