There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
