Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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