I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
