We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
