Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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