I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
