Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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