Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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