The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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