Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
