Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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