I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
