I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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