my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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