you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
