Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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