She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
