Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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