she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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