You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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