Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
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I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
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I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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