just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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