My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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