you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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