You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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