Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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