take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
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the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
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