come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
