remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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