my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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