i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
