sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
