Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge†by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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