I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
