come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
