They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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