My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Pants are for mortals
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
