i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Randomize
