I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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