i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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