Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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