I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
