Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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