So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
