I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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