Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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