i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
