Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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