I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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