so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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