I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
