I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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