The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
