apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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