I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
