Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
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